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Night venture into rambling (once again).
[2008-02-27] @ [1:29 a.m.]
music: Atreyu - Slow Burn
In high school, I used to have nights where I would be awake with too many thoughts on my mind. The wheels in the head kept on turning much to my annoyance.
Monday was really a rough day. It left me questioning the worthiness of myself quite a bit as well as doubting my skills as a writer after convincing myself for many years that this was my niche in life. So, that unsettling and then something else comes up that probably really is as superfluous to many as it will be in perspective for me. Right now though, it means the world to me because I've worked so hard on it and I'm afraid when it ultimately comes down to the choice, I may only be able to pick one of the projects instead both after working equally hard on both.
I'm purposely being vague. I have been in a lot of things in my life. Things are easier to interpret and so on and so forth. This just seems to be a really rough patch in life that I'm going through right now. When you get pushed down, you get back up, brush the bloody and dirt off, and try again. But the position I find myself in right now, being up after being unable to sleep for a few hours, going online and trying to organize my thoughts at an ungodly hour of blog posting is nothing new. Search my archives from high school and I'm doing the same thing that I'm doing here.
Something keeps me up because I can't stop thinking about it. I obsess on it easily and it consumes the thoughts and anything else that should be making the effort to let me sleep. I did random on the diary and this entry came up from June 22, 2003. Almost five years ago, definitely four years ago. The thing I kept asking myself was what kept me here. Reading back on that now, here is still the same thing as it is at this moment. Here is the inability to sleep because of something small and stupid that builds inside and my brain tries to think and rethink it logically, illogically, and any other logic possible.
I still can't believe at twenty now I still face the same problems I did at fifteen although not as often. There is an old addage somewhere that we want the things that we can't have. I think though that the things we don't have but want, we fight like hell to get them until we do so. I'm going to try to go back to sleep before my alarm goes off at six in a few hours.
From the song Slow Burn as mentioned above that feels like it kind of fits right now. Sorry for sounding so emo tonight.
"Oh no the fire's burning my insides again, what can I do to silence my desire tonight? Flames consuming reason leaving only ashes left you will catch me for regretting my decision, I can't keep telling myself what I want to hear, I can't just close my eyes."
Things will get better once I get through this rough patch, but I really hope it is sooner rather than later.
Cheers.
So, quick thanks for the image from confusedvision, under the Creative Commons License 2.0. The inspiration came from Lacuna Coil, an awesome gothic metal band from Italy.
This place on the web is fueled by diaryland, firefox, psp 9, caffeine in any form, books, slavic literature, and random bursts of ideas. With the exception of the image
and lyrics, the design and code involved is mine. Graize.
