set me free

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With the change and excessive thinking.

[2008-06-21] @ [11:46 p.m.]

music Within Temptation - Our Solemn Hour

It is annoying, exciting, perplexing, and down right odd how quickly things can change on a dime. It is just so paradoxical and mind boggling that the brain wants to explode with profound confusion at the mere thought of the mysteries of life and change.

So I've had some stuff change in an instant over the past few days that have thrown me into a funk I'm slowly getting over, with some difficulty, mind you.

So, to put it bluntly, job number two is a no go. Found on Thursday morning, a little more a few days before I was suppossed to start. Needless to say, it was upsetting. I'm not upset with the people or myself. I'm upset about the situation: the econmy stinks and getting a job is hard to come by. I wish it was easier. I still have job number one. The hours are few...probably less than ten a week. So while I do have some income, it is minimal at best and at this point, I feel that it is impossible to find a temporary job with less than two months home, with the economy what it is right now. I know sound like Pessimistic Peggy right now but just trying to find job number one took me over two weeks and eleven applications. And a lot of frustration. I'm starting to think that I'm just going to find a job on campus when I go back to school in the fall. There has to be something out there. Things will get better.

People make fun of the way I say frustration--I say it "fustration" instead of "f-ur-stration." Mom says it the way I do. Must be a Pennsylvania thing with mom's dialect(if she has one because I can't tell).

I digress. So once, hearing this news threw me into a funk Thursday and Friday. It wasn't as bad as today though today was upsetting as well.

I requested to have this Saturday off over a week ago. I got a call yesterday asking if I could come in today to work a couple of hours, even though it is marked on the calendar, "Kelly off". Now normally, I don't mind going in and working a few hours here and there. Really I don't, but I unnecessarily tore myself up over a simple decision of sticking to my guns and going with my day off. Why? My mother's birthday was this past Wednesday. This Saturday was a family thing which was really important. An air show, which dad and I love to go to. The thing was, this was my mom's first one so it was going to be a family thing.

So, that didn't seem to be too big, did it? Well, the ride went fine except when we got to the base entrance. We waited in the same hot spot for a half and hour without moving, a mile outside the gates. A cop car blew past on the right shoulder. On the other side of the road, in the opposite direction of traffic, saying something about why traffic wasn't moving. I didn't hear really. Did something happen something? So, we turn around to see a cop blocking the traffic on the other side of the road for some reason. Dad pulls over and asks what is going on. (Mind you the show is going on behind us). The cop has no clue. That stinks. We have no idea what is going on. Perhaps someone's car broke down. I don't know. Maybe we should have just stayed there instead of listening to someone driving by? We may have gotten in...who knows. The newspapers didn't say anything; in fact, everything they right about is how awesome the show was. What luck, huh?

The ride home wasn�t great because of the fact that a vehicle was disabled in the main tunnel and we were forced to take a twenty-mile detour to get over the river. It's a pretty drive but way too long. So the main goal of two was kind of a double disappointment. Plus side, I got to eat a lot of pizza and drink Mountain Dew for lunch.

Past few days haven't been easy, nor have they been hard really, just trying, tiring, and frustrating.

I wonder though. I wonder how I'll be handling being "downsized", if that ever happens when I'm thirty, or forty...if I have a kid and husband and a house and that white little picket fence, how would I handle the crazy stress? I'm lucky right now I have my parents helping me out with paying for my books and gas this summer. On my end, I only drive when I need to and try to live cheaper. I wanted to be able to support my own finances this summer like I did last year with gas, books, and soccer jerseys while saving a bit on the side. I really don't have that chance this year. Le sigh but, on the plus side, I love my parents and I'm lucky to have them helping me out.

People say I think way too much about things that haven't happened yet. I tend to agree with this observation. Maybe I just need to stop thinking about things in general and just start living and letting go a bit more. I've gotten a little better but I still have a long way to go. Way too much thinking again.

I got up early this morning and I'm tired and since this is all most done, I'm going to bed to either read some heavy Russian literature, Dostoevsky, or some Czech-communist-deep philosophy-published in Prague Spring-Kundera literature if I'm up to it.

So, till then. I still need to learn to spell and things can change in an instant. Things are eventually going to get better and pick up. I have to keep telling myself that to believe it. I know, a little weird, but call it keeping a positive outlook things.

I write way too much sometimes. Cheers.

P.S. Oh please, please, please let Italy win against Spain tomorrow in the last quarter finals. I would be very happy if this would come to pass. You bet your socks though I'll be watching wearing my Italia jersey!


So, quick thanks for the image from confusedvision, under the Creative Commons License 2.0. The inspiration came from Lacuna Coil, an awesome gothic metal band from Italy. This place on the web is fueled by diaryland, firefox, psp 9, caffeine in any form, books, slavic literature, and random bursts of ideas. With the exception of the image and lyrics, the design and code involved is mine. Graize.

kelly's currently-reading book montage