So the question becomes what are you going to do about it?

[2009-10-18] @ [5:12 p.m.]

music Combichrist - Today We Are All Demons (Beneath the World Mix)

If I did not have a splitting headache last night, I would have done a proper update in celebration of the fact yesterday was officially seven years for me being on diaryland. The splitting headache was due from having an angry stomach all day yesterday and pressure changes, which I am guessing brings really bad splitting headaches. I've gotten a lot of those since coming to the valley.

So I quit working around eight and tried to read in bed while watching a marathon of the first three Saw movies while listening to drunk people scream outside, people jumping or doing something upstairs with heavy bass line music, and countless sirens. It was homecoming yesterday, the parties haven't been as bad this month, and I figured it wasn't a big deal. I decided to renew my lease at this place for additional year because rent is so cheap, it's furnished, and they don't do too bad of a job matching up roommates. The ones I have now I don't talk to much but we get along, so no complaints.

I wish I had better news, or at least good news instead of the same old. I feel selfish for typing this, but I've been frustrated with a lot of things lately. I also feel like I am complaining but the fact I'm struggling with my writing for one of my classes, building a social life and relationships up here is very difficult, and the cold weighs heavily upon me. I'm frustrated most of the time because I don't know what else I can do.

I remember back in high school, I would focus more on the problem if something came up. I held dearly to the feeling of self pity and worthlessness. It gave me something familiar, an excuse to be moody, and justification for my stress and anxiety. I would only focus on the bad and how worthless I was as a person.

But, seven years later, I see myself as a fighter, though I still have those moments. While I still have my moments of anxiety, the question then becomes what can I do about it?

Right now, I am just need to find myself an anchor and that means reclaiming myself as a writer. I am just throwing myself into my work as this last month of the semester draws near. I know not to burn myself out in the beginning, but I need to give it my all and pace myself.

As for the location thing, these past two months have made me rethink my spatial position in the universe. My heart will always lay in Tidewater. I love the beach, the waterways, I love the history, I love the flatness of it all. I get excited when I see seagulls when I go home. And Tidewater will always be home to me. Hence, my desire, once I get my feet on the ground, I'll stay close to the eastern seaboard, south of D.C.

I am not saying I hate the valley, I just miss home. The valley is different and needs more time. The town is growing on me. Having friends up here is taking longer than I wanted it to. The hills and mountains don't bother me at all anymore. The cold has come sooner than I am use to, but as long as there is no major snow (or ice), I think I'll be good.

I need to keep telling myself I'm in the right place, because I have never faced so many challenges or struggles in such a short period of time. It is hard to keep sight of why I am doing this sometimes because the bad seems to outweigh the good. Things are unfolding a lot slower than I'd imagined they would at the beginning of June. Hopefully, by the end of this semester, I'll have my footing on these icy hills as winter gets well underway in the valley.

Now, I have any number of things to be working on so I'll go do one of those.

Till then, cheers.

So, quick thanks for the image from confusedvision, under the Creative Commons License 2.0. The inspiration came from Lacuna Coil, an awesome gothic metal band from Italy. This place on the web is fueled by diaryland, firefox, psp 9, caffeine in any form, books, slavic literature, and random bursts of ideas. With the exception of the image and lyrics, the design and code involved is mine. Graize.

kelly's currently-reading book montage

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