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Regression: You seem familiar, have I threatened you before?

[2009-11-15] @ [11:24 p.m.]

I was extremely hesitant to even type this. I felt like I shouldn't. The action of typing this is admitting weakness. But I need to type this. I need to get it out of my system if I want to sleep tonight

The fact that I am having difficulty falling asleep, I need to remind myself to keep breathing, and I that I have a headache from stress is all too familiar. Two years of trying to change this behavior of getting overtly anxious and stressed seems to have fallen apart this entire semester.

I'm afraid of failing. I'm afraid I'm not good enough.

Thoughts like those run through my head and make me feel like I'm preparing for a huge fight against some metaphysical force (e.g. myself). This one class that I have struggled in this entire semester has made me a mental wreck. This particular class is structured like this for a reason. The class is purposely full of high stress. This entire semester, since day one has been nothing but stress. The class tears you down to build you back up into a better writer. The tearing me down part the class has done well, but too well. I took a lot of those things, the criticisms, and the obsessive anxiety feelings that my assignments evoked in full force. It was like reopening an old wound and pouring salt into it.

I know I am not the greatest writer. Writing in itself is never easy. It's been a thing I've constantly needed to work at and refine. I don't think I have gotten over the fact I got a D- on my senior seminar last year, and I think that is the cause of all this fear. I've had difficulty moving past my mistakes, to believe that smart enough after all. But I got into grad school. I am good enough, but I am back in the muddy hole again, doubting myself because of this class. It's been an constant uphill struggle for me that I am growing tired of.

It's just this one class that has altered my entire perception on my writing, and as a result, my confidence was waned to nothing with my other classes. My other classes that I'm doing okay in for my first semester.

I've asked myself countless times what I am going to do with this situation. I tell myself to keep trying and do my best, but that never seems good enough. I know that I am not letting myself believe that my best is not good enough; my vision is still tainted and it is easier to believe that my best is not sufficient enough.

I have only a few weeks left. I need to change my attitude now. I need to do something now. I need to prove myself wrong by writing my damn seminar papers, the best I can, and being proud of what I write. I need to proud of myself. Screw others' opinions. I need to happy with myself first before making others happy. The only way to do that is doing the best that I can during the next few weeks, not lose my head, and be proud of what I accomplish regardless of the grade. The question to ask myself, how much have I grown as a writer and as a person?

If you made it this far through my self rationalizing of my inability to sleep due to stress, then congratulations, you deserve a cookie.

Till then, cheers.


So, quick thanks for the image from confusedvision, under the Creative Commons License 2.0. The inspiration came from Lacuna Coil, an awesome gothic metal band from Italy. This place on the web is fueled by diaryland, firefox, psp 9, caffeine in any form, books, slavic literature, and random bursts of ideas. With the exception of the image and lyrics, the design and code involved is mine. Graize.

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