The meds.

[2009-12-18] @ [1:42 p.m.]

I don't want to place too much faith in the meds. In fact, I feel like the meds for the ADD are a sign of surrender and failure. The doctor was hesitant to prescribe it because it is effectively a stimulant. I'm keeping a close record till January 6th for a follow-up with the doctor.

I took one at lunch to start off slow. It feels weird and familiar. I have not taken anything in over five years. It feels like I just had a giant cup of coffee but less chaotic. And it does feel as bad as I was on the Concerta during high school.

I had a moment of panic and anxiety when I got an email from school sounding like I didn't have a next semester and it felt any hope I had gone. But the person who had wrote the email, the director of the program, forgot my situation had placed me on academic probation. So I need to talk to her this evening via email or phone about next semester. I need to know my options but I know I still have next semester to finish out this academic year. After that, it's up in the air.

But I don't care about May. I care about the next four months. I want to show I can do it instead of feeling like the stupid kid that no one believes is good enough. I felt like that back in elementary school before I was diagnosed with it. I remember the fits, the tears, the anger, and the frustration as a nine year old not being able to understand. The meds did help after I started taking them even though I felt weird for needing the extra help. After I went off them for five years, it was nice feeling as I did. I was different and I felt like I was victorious. I finished high school, got my BA with departmental honors.

Flash forward to the past few months. When I wasn't struggling, when I wasn't frustrated, I enjoy grad school. I love it. It's just trying to get over that hurdle of organization and writing effectively to communicate that I struggled with. I always have to some degree. I am hoping that things will improve.

Till then, cheers.

So, quick thanks for the image from confusedvision, under the Creative Commons License 2.0. The inspiration came from Lacuna Coil, an awesome gothic metal band from Italy. This place on the web is fueled by diaryland, firefox, psp 9, caffeine in any form, books, slavic literature, and random bursts of ideas. With the exception of the image and lyrics, the design and code involved is mine. Graize.

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